sometimes i have good days

My friend Molly wrote me a poem! She’s THE best. 

Alisha

Alisha was a girl who lived in a valley.

She liked to make people think she slept in an alley.

She excelled at prancing and

Especially tap-dancing,

She was everyone’s favorite part of Cali.

She knows more words than the dictionary

Because she so smart, and it’s a little scary.

She sings like a bird and moves like a fairy,

(The friendly kind, not the kind that are scary.)

The queen of comedy! Some might say.

And those who don’t can just go fuck themselves.

And that’s why we’re friends. Do your friends write you poems?! If they don’t then “they can just go fuck themselves.”

I’m really enjoying watching spike tv.

First of all, I’m watching Bar Rescue, which I didn’t discover until recently after a friend of mine started working on it. And it is spectacular. I mean it is right up my alley next to the cocktail infused, superfluous neon sign of a cardboard box i live in. (Seriously, I live in a box… I just happen to have internet and tv… ugh. Just give me money.) 

But mostly, the commercials are geared towards men and that is something I really enjoy.

Not completely sure what Dr. Pepper 10’s plan is here with its “Not For Women”  campaign but I am for it. It’s wonderful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c4iaetOC54

I will NEVER buy it, but I will keep watching the commercials with my head cocked to the side like a puppy confused by infants.

Here’s the question, is it “Women will feel challenged/intrigued by this ‘Boys Club’ appeal and so they will buy DP 10” or is it “Seriously. This isn’t for women. Don’t fucking drink this, ladies. I’ll be in my shed, fixing things I found in your alley.” 

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have any answers to anything. All I know is that I like this show and that you should probably give me money. 

Regardless, this manly soda product triggered my thought process which led me to this picture of a baby/puppy collaboration that is unparalleled. So, I’m satisfied. 

I’ll just keep drinking wine. 

My friend Bennett just said, “You should do a blog once a week where you are too drunk to actually type anything. I would enjoy that.”

To which I said, “That sounds like a challenge.”

I’m just saying… stay tuned. 

As a person of high anxiety, there are a lot of really specific things that I wish with all my heart I could do differently. 

This is my intimate list of them. 

1. simple interactions. I wish I didn’t have to rehearse the simplest of interactions in my mind over and over again.

For example, one day I decided to take the bus into Hollywood. I don’t normally do this and for some reason, transportation in LA is deemed a subtle yet effective way of rounding up the less fortunate/hipsters whose bikes have been stolen or are in the ubiquitous ‘shop’ when in actuality it’s just a great way to avoid drinking and driving.

However, as I was waiting for my giant chariot, I realized that I didn’t know how much the bus ride would cost. For most people, a tiny obstacle. For me, that mole hill was Everest.

I rehearsed my conversation with the bus driver- How much is this? - Hi, sir/ma’am, Is the price based on distance?- Then I thought, What if I hold up the bus?  What if there is someone behind me? Tapping their foot? What if I need change? Do I have quarters in my wallet? Does the bus take nickels? How long will it take me to reach into my wallet? WHICH ARM SHOULD I HOLD MY PURSE ON THAT WOULD BE LESS AWKWARD? 

The bus ride ended up being $1.50 and I paid $2 even though there was no change just so I could swiftly take my seat… in a corner… far away… (but what if someone sits on the outside of me and I have to get off before them?!!?)

2. blushing. If you thought blushing was an adorable characteristic reserved only for the modest ingenue, then you were wrong. 

Blushing is a beast. 

Blushing is the accidental text message you send to the person you were texting about rather than to. There is nothing you can say or do to hide it, undo it or twist it. 

I can’t believe how annoying Greg was tonight. He asked me out again…

Sent to: Greg. 

Also sent to Greg: Haha!!!! Gotcha! Oh my god. Totally tricked you! I’d love to go out with you! Do you like Thai food?!?

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Greg is fucking annoying. I hate Thai food. 

That is blushing. I have no secrets. I have no poker face. I can’t hide it. It happens. You will immediately know how I feel about someone and there is nothing I can do about it. When asked the appropriate questions, you will have your answer. Do you have a crush on whoever it is this week?  You’ll hear: No. But if I do, you’ll only see Red. Red. Red.  

3. emails. I’m going to go ahead and assume I’m not alone in this. Sending emails tends to be the most frustrating experience ever.

I have spent too much of my time typing, deleting and retyping exclamation points just to avoid sounding angry or impatient when really I’m just excited and emoticons are out of the question because we all know those can be misconstrued as smirks. 

Typing the Subject alone can take twenty minutes. Hi. Delete. Hello!  Delete. Regarding the assistant position. Delete. Please don’t hire me because it will make me nervous, but I don’t mean that because I would really like this job and I know I will be a good employee because I always am. Can we just meet already?

This list isn’t over by any means, but it’s getting late and I’m getting tired and by tired I mean nervous.  

My friend has been live tweeting me. Am I okay?

“You’ve got the most beautiful Doo Wop I’ve ever seen” 

While the implications of this mis-heard lyric seem less than savory, I assure you it was only because that bitch Donna Lewis didn’t know how to say “blue eyes”. That song came out in 1996. I was 9. If I had known at 9 that doo wop could have been misconstrued as a euphemism for a big ol’ dick, It might not have taken me so long to get my first kiss. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqdWTeXWvOg

This is another song that’s pretty bad ass, though. 

I can relate to the way she cries, prays, and sheds. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9zpnLBtwwg

P.S. Going to start calling all penises “doo wops” from now on. And every time I do, I’m going to whisper it. Doooo Woooppp. 

Edit: I got this post all wrong and now I’m standing on the beach desperately trying to fix it on my friend’s phone. Gotta stop drinking.

Dear Cosmo, 

Do you just transcribe episodes of Sex and the City and call them articles? 

I know this corpse of a horse has been beaten to pieces, but I couldn’t handle this specific cover and in true female fashion, I had to blog about it. 

I mean I had a little extra time between practicing my sex eyes in the mirror and making my butt silky smooth, so why not?

The only part of this cover that I can relate to is Only 3.99 and I refuse to spend that fortune on this. 

It has been decided that I will be locking my daughter in her closet where she will only be allowed to read literature I have written. 

It’s Okay That The Boy You Like Doesn’t Like You. In Fact, Get Used To It. I Think You’re Awesome. 

Beer Will Make Your Belly Not Flat, But You Are Seriously Going To Miss Out On Some Good Times If You Abstain. 

Sex Will Be Awkward Sometimes. 

Have You Tried Buffalo Wings? Of Course You Have. You’re My Daughter.

Naughty Is In The Eye of the Beholder. I Don’t Want to Know Your Opinion. Just Be Careful. 

I’m Sorry I Locked You in the Closet. Here’s An Iphone. 

Thanks, Cosmo, for promoting true self-worth in younger women. You da bomb!  

Leave me alone.